Black & Queer Parents: Building the Perfect Support System
Written By: Ambreia Meadows - Fernandez
We do Black communities and the larger world a disservice when we paint Black families as a monolith. Our identities are as diverse as our experiences. The more we lean into the nuance of who we are — including important aspects of our identity like sexual orientation and gender identity — the closer we can get to our authentic selves and models of real freedom. Black queer folks have an indescribable influence on the larger society, but as parents, they're largely ignored or oversimplified. Black queer parents deserve to be loud and proud year-round.
Pride month is a perfect opportunity to amplify Black queer parents' concerns around family, parenting, and community. Crafting a quality support system is an essential part of this. Read on for a few helpful tips to help you find your people while Black, Queer, and parenting.
Make a Support System Wishlist.
You get to choose who's invited into your circle. If you have a thriving village of folks who accept and embrace you for who you are and are mindful of your identities, perfect! But it's also OK to craft that community from scratch. Make a support system wishlist with green flags and deal breakers. For example:
- A green flag is having loved ones who advocate for you and speak publicly about your concerns regardless of their sexual orientation, race, or gender identity.
- A red flag is someone who makes negative comments about you, your parenting goals, or your family. You may find some people you vibed with before having children aren't a fit now that you have a family. Don't waste time with people who can't honor and affirm you holistically.
Don't Be Afraid to Try Virtual Community and Media.
It's normal to feel overwhelmed and frustrated as you seek local support. Try searching "Black LGBTQ Parents" or "Black Queer Parents" and adding your city and state in Google or Eventbrite.
Thankfully, there are groups like x-hood (Black LGBTQ+ Moms & Parents on Facebook) that are explicitly aimed towards the needs of Black queer people who are parenting, expecting, and trying to conceive. Seeking Black queer media groups and conversations, like Black, Queer, & ... helps too. ( Black Queer Townhall has an excellent episode exploring queer parenting.)
Find a Queer-Affirming Therapist.
Finding a therapist who can affirm you holistically and help you process the overwhelm and frustrations of the world is essential when building a quality support system. False and narrow views of Blackness and queerness leave Black queer people vulnerable to mental health concerns and alienation. You must heal from these issues to model the joy of holding space for our children. Resources like the National Queer & Trans Therapists of Color Network and Therapy for Queer People of Color will help you find a therapist who will work with you as you develop the tools to advocate as a Black queer parent for yourself in an anti-Black and homophobic world.
Discuss Your Support Needs With Your Current Connections.
The friends and loved ones you're already connected to can be an unexpected support. But they can only show up for you if you tell them what you need. Speak to your current support system and tell them what you need for them on this journey. With a few vulnerable conversations, they might surprise you.
Building the right support system as a Black Queer parent takes work, but it's far from impossible. If done correctly, it will add fulfillment to your life and positively influence your family. Black queer parents deserve spaces that acknowledge and understand all of our pieces. The sooner we find that community, the sooner we can model for our children what it means to be proud of all of who you are.