Breaking These Habits Will Bring You Closer to the Parent You Hope to be.
Written By: Ambreia Meadows-Fernandez
It’s impossible not to have some expectations during your parenting journey. Expectations aren’t a bad thing—they’re helpful as we set goals for ourselves. But when unchecked, expectations can turn into a mountain of “shoulds” that prevent us from experiencing life in the moment. They also create habits that lead to behaviors that don't align with our goals.
Too many expectations can make it difficult to adapt to our children's needs. We avoid this by knowing when to abandon old parenting habits and expectations.
Read on for three common habits you may need to break to become the parent you hope to be.
Abandon: Attachment to others' approval or expectations.
Everyone has an opinion of how we should raise our children. Sometimes, those opinions offer helpful information. Other times, they judge us by standards and expectations that we don’t ascribe to. People pleasing is a hard habit to break.
What to do instead: Take your power back by deciding what type of relationship you want with your children and finding a complementary parenting style. Check-in with loved ones you trust when you need parenting insight. But as long as your decision centers your family's well-being, outsider preferences and labeling your style are nonfactors.
Why this helps: Ditching the need for others' approval empowers our children to live on their terms.
Abandon: Chasing perfect parenting.
You know perfect parenting isn't real, but you probably hold yourself to impossible standards anyway. Black parents face incredible pressure to "get it right." This coping behavior makes complete sense in an anti-Black world. However, the pursuit of perfect parenting is extremely harmful. If this pressure leaves you overwhelmed and irritable, you're not alone.
What to do instead: Aim for responsive parenting that balances goals, grace, and acceptance of our imperfections.
Why this helps: Perfect parenting passes those impossible standards to our children. But when we practice responsive parenting, we show our children it's OK to apologize to others and exercise self-compassion. It also lets them know it's OK to adapt to our circumstances and adjust despite missed expectations.
Abandon: Expectations of control.
Many of us have been told control is essential to quality parenting. It sounds good until we learn that our loved ones are humans with their own plans and motivations. We can direct and instruct our children, but we cannot guarantee they will listen to our suggestions.
What to do instead: Letting go of expectations of control requires accepting that our families have autonomy. They will disappoint and frustrate us—and we'll annoy them, too. Let's normalize it.
Why this helps: Once you adjust, you may even find comfort in knowing you aren't 100% responsible for your children's success or failure. You do your best, but it's their life to live.
When you embrace parenthood's unpredictability, you'll find opportunities to make family decisions with everyone's input, making the plans more likely to stick. We also learn that when we abandon our obsession with control, we can surrender and experience life instead of constantly analyzing it.