Does Complaining Help You Get Through Motherhood?

In 2014, I visited a salon in Brooklyn to have my locs retwisted. This monthly appointment would have been forgettable like all the rest had I not had a perspective-changing conversation with my stylist. As she gently made her way through my head, she told me a bit about her life. She was an African immigrant who’d come to New York and become a mother of three young sons. I’ll never forget what she said afterward: “My family wants to see me, but I tell them, no they don’t. They wouldn’t even recognize me. Being a mother has made me crazy. I’m crazy now.”

I chuckled, but in reality, I was stunned. I’d never heard someone speak of motherhood in such graphic terms. When I shared the story with my own mother, she understood exactly what this woman meant — and so did every other mother with whom I shared the anecdote.

I was in my early twenties, nearly a decade from having children of my own. But I remember this moment because it was the first time a Black woman had painted such an unflattering portrait of motherhood, and it was the first time I questioned whether or not I wanted to embark on such a journey.

Fast forward to 2025, and women complaining about the pangs of motherhood is commonplace. Influencers like Jessica Rose shake the internet with notions that they regret motherhood entirely. Mothers speak humorously — and even desperately — about how challenging raising children can be. With all of this new candor, people have begun to wonder if all of this complaining actually serves any real purpose. Does constantly consuming parenting woes make the load lighter, or does it keep us in a negative spiral, unable to appreciate the daily joys of raising children?

According to psychology professor Dr. Jeannine Jannot, complaining helps more than it hurts. “Venting our feelings not only helps us reclaim valuable perspective, but also cultivates and sustains self-compassion,” Jannot toldThe Everymom.

I’d argue that complaining not only benefits you individually, but it helps communally. I feel deeply validated when I express some of my darker mommy thoughts and someone else says they know exactly what I’m talking about.

It reminds me that I’m not the only one struggling.

Furthermore, if we’re not venting, we’re holding all of the angst, anger, and anxiety in our bodies. If we don’t speak or write it, it’s bound to come out — and it likely won’t be healthy. Far better to share some hard truths than to end up as a headline.

Sharing the trials of motherhood with the right people can act as an initial warning sign that you need extra support or are in need of mental health services.

I think the commiserating millennial mothers have done the women coming up behind us a great service. Reading, hearing, and truly listening to what we have to say, they have a clearer picture of the giant undertaking that is parenthood. Nothing can ever truly prepare you for this journey, but at least they won’t be as shell-shocked as many of us once were.