From Traditional to Responsive: Shifting Your Parenting from Authoritarian to Authoritative

Written By: Ambriea Meadows - Fernandez

For a long time, I didn't know there were options outside the traditional "my way or the highway” parenting style I experienced growing up. But I longed for it. The emotional impact of traditional, authoritarian models encouraged me to trust others and doubt myself. But it took decades to recognize authoritarian parenting for what it is—a style that invalidates children and places enormous pressure on parents to be perfect.

Now, my organization, FreeBlackmotherhood, supports 'Black mothers and others' as they reframe the demands of parenting and center their humanity. If you're interested in suggestions to shift from traditional parenting toward something that better nourishes you and your children, keep reading.

Remember: Today's Parenting, Tomorrow's Skills

I get it. The world is heavy, and we use "traditional" authoritarian methods to protect our children from harm. But if we're not careful, we will raise children who know how to comply but are unprepared to live dynamic, empowered lives. In my case, this led to chronic self-doubt and fear of taking risks. Parenting for the future means understanding that daily moments teach lifelong skills. We do this by facilitating safety in challenging moments and equipping children with tools to navigate them.

Parent for the Child You Have

One-size-fits-all parenting strategies often fail because every parent-child combination is unique. Responsive parenting involves paying attention to each child and supporting them with the tools they need to thrive.

I've learned that adapting my approach to my children's needs, temperaments, and developmental stages is essential. (A shy, reserved child will need different support than an experience-seeking boundary-pusher.) Understand your child's personality and adapt your expectations and boundaries accordingly. By getting to know your child—and yourself—you can create a system that works for both of you.

Prioritize the Relationship

No one told me the importance of parents developing intentional relationships with their children before I had my own. Our children need to know that parents don't know everything. Often, we're learning as we go, too. When our children see us as fallible humans instead of perfect people, they'll feel safer expressing their thoughts, concerns, and ideas. This mutual respect allows us to validate their feelings, even when we must set boundaries or enforce consequences. Effective communication goes beyond directives to include the reasons behind them.

Normalize Change

Life—and our children—will change. The sooner we embrace this, the faster we learn the flexibility required to meet our children's needs. Adjust your approach based on their needs, temperament, and development. Support their growth and independence while maintaining a nurturing connection.

Less Perfection, More Grace

Abandoning perfection has been the most important—and most complicated to apply—on this journey. Stressed parents raise stressed children. To instill self-compassion, model it yourself. Children don’t need perfect parents; they need parents who show them how to manage life's ups and downs while balancing their needs with others' expectations. Accepting that your children have their own lives, interests, and desires helps normalize yours, too