Parents Need Love: Jose and Edwina Profound Love in Loss
Edwina and Jose Garcia always wanted children. For Edwina, who lost her mother at an early age, motherhood was something she profoundly craved. It wasn’t until a few months before her wedding, that she was diagnosed with endometriosis and while her painful periods and the unexplained bloat had a name – what did that mean for her chances of giving birth?
Endometriosis is defined as a condition in which cells similar to the lining of the uterus, or endometrium, grow outside the uterus (Mayo Clinic). As Edwina explained it, “Everything starts to get stuck together, like glue. Basically, everything is outta whack.”
She underwent several laparoscopic procedures to try to fix it; including one exploratory surgery, which left her with scar from her belly button to her pelvis. According to her doctor, removing her fallopian tubes that were “clogged” with cysts and fibroids presented her best opportunity to get pregnant. The procedure would help the loving couple reach their goal. Following the surgery, with the help of In vitro fertilization, better known as IVF, Edwina got pregnant in February, 2017. The sound of their embryo’s heartbeat was a dream come true.
“At the six-week mark, Jose and I went in together, the heartbeat was there. We were so excited.
Then tragedy struck. At their next appointment, which was also Jose’s birthday, doctors could no longer find a heartbeat. “We were in shock.”
The newlyweds were presented with two options, wait and see if the tissue would pass on its own or get a DNC procedure to remove the tissue from the uterus. Devasted, Edwina decided to wait to make a decision. That Sunday, she went to church and prayed hoping for a miraculous outcome. A member of the congregation even prophesized she would have a daughter named Deire.
Sadly, Edwina miscarried but her faith never wavered and she held onto the kind words of the woman who spoke life into her. After multiple failed attempts at IVF and a failed pregnancy, the couple realized they were in fight or flight mode and rarely discussed their feelings or how their unique situation affected one another.
“When I looked back, we were like trying to stay strong for each other and we wouldn't talk too much about how we felt. We talked more about, ‘Maybe we could try something different.’ And we wouldn't dig into, I can't believe this happened to us,” Edwina explained.
They sought therapy and it strengthened their relationship. “The main thing that I can think about me and Jose going to therapy is that they hold you accountable. You go, and then they give you a task and you have to complete it before the next session. And I think that's why we avoided the conversation. 'We didn't want put ourselves into a depression. We think that we're going to be depressed because we're talking about it, but we're not. It made us feel better about the situation. It opens a new area in your relationship.”
Therapy For Grief
Dr. Cynthia Williams was inspired to become a grief recovery specialist after the death of her 17-year-old son, in 2016, who died in a car accident. “That pain alone required me to become a grief counselor,” Dr. Williams revealed during a candid chat. It was also her personal experience with a life-changing therapist that fueled Dr. Williams’ desire to help others overcome their grief. “[My therapist’s] admiration and inspiration for her job made me want to be one myself.”
From there, she went to the Grief Recovery school and eventually Dr. Williams got a doctorate in humanitarianism and social justice from the International Academy of Community Service and Doctoral Work in honor of her work. The grief counselor and mediator knows first-hand what is like to deal with overwhelming grief due to the loss of a child.
“Acceptance is the biggest step to recovery and healing. Once you accept that this loss has happened, you'll be responsible in your body to say, my body deserves me to heal. Let me take the next step,” Dr. Williams explained. “And the next step is to seek the help from a professional that has the, the expertise to help coaches, ie: a therapist, a grief counselor or life coach.”
He continued, “Grief comes in many different facets in a human's life. But death is the most profound. One of the tools when it comes to [dealing with] death is the memory. The first bad memory is the forefront of it is the loss but attach it to the good memories. Jot down the good memories. At least 10. We have thousands of memories of things we love. Jot down at least 10 and tried to journal 10 daily. Next is being honest with yourself that you need to heal. Like, am I ready? Next, be honest with yourself about the loss, saying, ‘I wasn't ready for this loss to happen. Next, is make the phone call to the therapist, make the phone call.”
Dr. Williams channeled her pain into her passion and teaches schools, religious groups, organizations and, pretty much, anyone who is in need of support.
“We put ourselves in a position to literally know that if we don't fight for ourselves, and if we don't fight to heal ourselves or even understand the process, we lose, right? And we don't want to lose the fight. We want to understand the process for the fight. How did I get here? Right? Why was I chosen?”
Ultimately, Dr. Williams recommends therapy for everyone because suppressing the pain associated with grief is detrimental.
Happy Ending
Despite heartbreaking losses and setbacks, Edwina found success with a surrogate who is expecting a baby girl, due in December. The couple recently celebrated with an intimate gender reveal party and are planning for their upcoming baby shower. All of which they plan to share in an upcoming documentary about their experience.