Parenting with ADHD

In the nineties, I remember mothers and teachers whispering the letters ADD and ADHD. They were concerned that teachers were unfairly assigning these labels to Black children who they didn’t understand and didn’t care to teach. Those letters held weight, and many of our mothers didn’t want them placed on their children’s shoulders. Perhaps this fear of labels is one reason why so many Black adults are learning much later in life that they actually do have attention deficit disorder or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

Adjusting to this type of diagnosis or recognition of these tendencies is one thing when you’re an adult living for yourself. But when you add the responsibility of raising children to the mix, navigating neurodivergence while parenting can not only be challenging, it stands in stark contrast to the very skills required to effectively raise and nurture children. An ADD or ADHD diagnosis often presents with symptoms like poor memory, high distractibility, poor emotional regulation, poor time management, and a tendency to be hyperactive.

If you find yourself with an adult ADD/ADHD diagnosis or you notice you may have one or more of these tendencies, here are some strategies you can employ to make your parenting journey a bit easier.

Give Yourself Grace

Whether you’re neurotypical or not, parenting will expose parts of yourself you might not have realized were there: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Instead of being ashamed of the way your brain works and punishing yourself for it, show yourself some compassion. Be gentle with yourself. Recognize the reality that your brain works differently and seek to understand it. Being kind to yourself is a behavior we want to model for our children. It’s an example we want them to follow as they grow into adulthood and learn to accept the truth of themselves as well. ADD and ADHD is not hereditary, but it tends to run in families. If your child sees you being kind to yourself, they’ll have an easier time being kind to themselves later.

Talk to Your Child

Many of us came from homes where our parents sought to be viewed as infallible. They were the authority. Sadly, for many of them, that meant hiding the very real and human parts of themselves. Thankfully, we’re living in a new day and age when it comes to child-rearing. Today we’re making an effort to apologize, openly acknowledge our mistakes, and share the truth of who we really are. You can do the same in discussing how your brain works. If your ADHD caused you to forget an important date or miss a deadline, you can tell your child that your faux pas wasn’t made due to lack of care and concern. Give them age-appropriate descriptions of your wiring, apologize, and explain how you plan to do better in the future. Pro Tip: showing your child grace and compassion when they make mistakes will help them extend that same gift to you.

Have Strategies in Place

Once you make a vow to your child to do better, you’re going to have to actually put in the work. They’re watching. While you don’t have to be perfect, your little ones should see progress to know that you are actually putting in work to make their childhood a bit better. If you struggle with time management and organization, set multiple alarms throughout the day. Make to-do lists. Post notes and reminders where you’re bound to see them. Take the time to try out new tips and tricks to learn what works best for you and your family. Get your kids involved in the process. Tell them about the things you’re trying. Have conversations about what works and what doesn’t. Then, when you do find something that sticks, let your children help. If disorder has been an issue, give each member of your family chores–including the toddlers on up. This shares the load and reinforces the notion that cleaning and organizing is not just a job for the adults.

Use the Village

All parents could benefit from support. Neurodivergent parents are no different. If someone you trust has taken a good look at your parenting journey and can offer insights on how you might streamline it, heed the advice. Ask questions about how other parents run their households and see if you can implement some of their strategies into your life.

Take Advantage

While neurodivergence has historically been regarded negatively, there are ways you can use this to your advantage, especially when it comes to raising little ones. Have a hard time sitting still? Great, little kids love to be active. Join them. Are you more free-flowing than structured? There can be a place for that too. Life can be magical when you occasionally deviate from a strict schedule. Children come to disrupt some of society’s norms. You might find your neurodivergent brain fits very well in that too.