Parents Need Love: Around the World - The Agee Family
Written By: Dani Canada
When Vestria Agee and her husband decided to expand their family, they also expanded their hearts and welcomed the love that came with caring for their daughter. The love was multiplied when they learned that their second daughter was on the way but the circumstances were vastly different. By then, the Agee family had made a major move to South Korea in the middle of the pandemic and they were navigating the intricacies of life in a foreign country.
While all of these changes could seem daunting, Vestria welcomed the challenge and now says she's living the dream in a place where there's tranquility, culture, and safety for her girls. Not to mention, she has the rare blessing of living overseas near family that's just a few door knocks away. Below the brave mama tells ParentsNeedLove about her motherhood journey and the "freeing" feeling of doing so as a Black mom in South Korea.
Tell us about how your motherhood journey started.
My motherhood journey started with my oldest daughter who was born in 2018. I had no idea my heart could grow as much as it did with both of my girls. My eldest opened my eyes to the cuteness of all of the cuddles AND the stress of toddler tantrums. Both the conception and delivery of my youngest helped me believe that one person's impossible is no match for what God decides IS possible. Both of them built my respect for my mother and frankly, all mothers and maternal figures. Motherhood is a wild, wild ride, for real.
What is it like for you and your husband to raise a family overseas in South Korea?
It's really cool living in South Korea. The language barrier can be tricky, but there are so many apps and resources to help navigate and communicate. I love that it's a family-centric country so most activities in and around the country are catered toward both adults and children. The love for children is so strong here, that you'll often find shop owners and strangers who will admire children and give small gifts at random. I also love that it's so safe. There is CCTV everywhere so people mostly follow the honor system. You could lose a wallet full of money on a train or leave your keys in your car and 9.5 times out of 10, your belongings will go untouched or be returned to you intact. I have the unique gift of having my parents-in-law here.
Our family went from raising one child stateside in the middle of the pandemic, living 13 hours away from both of our parents, to raising two children in South Korea with my in-laws as neighbors. My oldest is enrolled in a local school to give her the greatest chance to be immersed in the culture. After two years, her Korean comprehension is pretty good for a 5-year-old. A unique thing about the people is that, unlike the melting pot of Americans, the external appearance of most South Koreans is homogenous.
Our family stands out everywhere we go, not just because of our height or our nationality, but because of our skin color in a neutral way. Sure there are stereotypes about black people in the media, however, here, every encounter with a local national is an opportunity to represent the diaspora of brown-skinned families without the imaginary weight of racial tension felt stateside. Living and raising a family in that lightness is so peaceful and freeing.
As a mom of two, what has parenting looked like for you? Is it different than what you expected?
Parenting as a mom of two has its beauty and its challenges. The biggest battles, otherwise known as mom guilt, are fought in my head about coulds, woulds, and shoulds. At 6 months postpartum, much of my mind, body, and time currently belong to the baby so finding autonomy is easier said than done. There's a 5 1/2-year age gap between my daughters. I think the age gap makes mommy-ing with two better than the horror stories I've heard from other parents. My eldest is pretty independent so she is inquisitive and wants to be engaged in everything about her baby sister. On the flip side, baby girl influences nearly every part of our days and sleepless nights. With that, awareness is heightened about trying to find ways for my eldest to be engaged with the baby without accidentally grooming a third caregiver. I try to make sure my oldest has dedicated time and activities that are solely her time. This goal is to let her just be a kid so she doesn't feel left out when the baby's needs periodically take over. I'm looking forward to the years when they can laugh and play together.
Do you and your husband practice self-care amid parenting and if so, what does that look like in South Korea?
I define self-care as doing things that recharge the battery and fill one's personal cup. At this point, self-care is at the fundamental level. The socials will have you believe it's an aesthetically pleasing "soft life" with neo-soul-walking music in the background of a 30-second clip. It's not that. For me these days, self-care looks like savoring a balanced meal while it's still hot, taking an "all the things" shower, or reading a couple of chapters of a fiction book. Travel is my ultimate self-care. While international adventures around greater Asia are in the plans, this month I've participated in some local adventures with my mama friends and it really has been refreshing to get back outside.
I saw that you have your Brave Mamas travel group, tell me about it and how that works as self-care for you and other moms.
Brave Mamas Travel (BMT) was birthed from a combination of my long-time love for travel and the newfound understanding that sometimes, moms need a mental and physical break far, far, away from home. I founded BMT to host mamas-only international getaways to relax in luxury, experience local adventures, and recharge away from the daily grind of mom life.
Simultaneously, the birth of BMT was overshadowed by a surprise bundle in the belly. Round two of pregnancy and postpartum healing were too physically demanding for me to travel so all getaways have been postponed. However, we'll see what the future brings as normalcy is restored.
What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned about parenting?
None of us really know what we're doing. All parents are figuring this thing out as we go along, one decision at a time and that's okay. Good parents focus on doing their personal best. Tiny humans are completely unpredictable from the womb. Planning and theories do help, but the parent role is truly trial and error. If you can remember that, then hopefully you can give yourself grace when it gets hard, because it will.
What is the most rewarding thing about parenting?
The most rewarding part of parenting is watching your little baby grow and learn new skills. We miss them when they are tiny, but seeing them evolve in depth and breadth from them rolling over to their first performance and whatever else is to come, there is a pure rush of awe, joy, and love every single time. That reward is priceless.