POP’S POV: A Journey through Change and Self-Care
Self-care is realizing that the brain has a way of curating stories, but it is our job to discern whether to subscribe to the narrative or not
High angle view looking down at a cute multiracial toddler girl sitting in her father's lap and feeding herself while having dinner with her multi-generation family during a weekend gathering.
What does self-care look like? It doesn’t always look the way I’d like it to look, but I make it work. The ideal self-care day, for me, would be a day of absolute relaxation. No requests from anyone — spending the entire day at an all-inclusive resort on an island with some unadulterated fun, accompanied by a mild cigar and a smooth cocktail.
IDEAL SCENARIO: Specifically, The Royalton in Saint Lucia with its flavorful dining options and tranquil spa; an Ashton Magnum cigar with tasting notes of cream and coffee bean; and a whiskey sour made with Sir Davis Whiskey, if I had it my way.
However, with a family comprised of two adults, two children under 3, and two English bulldogs, the work feels as if it is never done. Self-care is 5 a.m. workouts, being that there aren’t home or work demands at that ungodly hour.
DAD HACK: I just hop on my Peloton bike or treadmill to get the day started by moving my body.
Self-care is starting therapy prior to the birth of your first child and increasing the appointment frequency upon expectation of your second child — knowing how tough the adjustment was the first time — and making sure you stay ahead of it.
DAD HACK: Rula was extremely useful in the process of finding my therapist, and Rula partners with many of the major insurance companies — mine being one — which was a plus for me!
Self-care is realizing that the brain has an interesting way of curating stories, but it is our responsibility to discern whether to subscribe to the narrative or not. Life is going to look different than your “normal” once you become a father. The expectations you set for yourself professionally and personally need to be rooted in reality and attuned to be in alignment with your new “normal.” Bidding farewell to your old routines and accepting that life doesn’t look like what it did in the past — and that’s fine. Essentially, being malleable and embracing the lifestyle changes associated with fatherhood. Finding quiet moments is a delight when the opportunity presents itself, even if it’s you sitting on the toilet a little longer than you need to.
Self-care is finding refuge in your wife and your community — having honest, vulnerable, and transparent conversations about how you are feeling and faring with parenthood at any given moment. I find myself trying to carry the weight of the world alone, as if I must, but that’s just my brain doing that thing again. Fortunately for me, I don’t have to. With the love, understanding, and everlasting support of my wife — in addition to the accessibility and guidance of the community I have established, comprised of several other Black fathers — an outlet is almost always accessible to me. It is important to surround yourself with people that can relate to where you are and that are equipped with the tools to support you. Sometimes advice is sought, other times it’s just for someone to hear you — and most of the time, it’s a cigar at the local smoke lounge or drinks and great eats at a restaurant, where we do not bring the kids.
Self-care may look different amongst fathers, but it is imperative to ensure that you are at your best so that your little person or little people engage with the finest version of you. Recharging is necessary for us too — because, like our phones, operating on power save mode will keep the lights on but reduce performance and limit our most favorable features.
