Single, Again: Dating for Parents

Written By: Ambreia Meadows - Fernandez

Dating and finding someone to build your life with is a big step. But doing so when you have children comes with many new and often unanticipated considerations. (This is especially true if it’s your first relationship after being with your co-parent.) At the same time, developing healthy romantic relationships is an important part of honoring who you are as a whole person.

We’ve contacted Stephanie Ghoston Paul, a former professional matchmaker, for some quick tips on dating with kids.

Consider how you’ll divide your time.

If you have primary custody or are co-parenting with an inconsistent visitation schedule, you might need to hire a sitter, ask loved ones for childcare assistance, or only schedule dates when your children are with their co-parent.

Ghoston Paul says the first big decision you’ll make is how to juggle time with your child and your dating schedule. She calls this process “making room for the love you want in your life while maintaining the love you already have.” 

What to tell your co-parent 

Ghoston Paul says your dating life isn’t your co-parent’s business—but your child's safety is. “When it intersects with your child's safety and interactions with your child, that's when the conversations need to happen,” she explains. 

She says the best co-parent dating conversations are proactive rather than reactive and explore when it’s appropriate to introduce your child to potential partners, boundaries around extended family, and what activities are appropriate when your child is around.

When to tell your kids about a potential partner (and your partner about your kid) 

It’s probably best to tell potential partners you’re a parent on the first date so they know your priorities lie with your kids. But our matchmaker says there are no hard and fast rules on when to introduce your kids to potential partners. 

Introduce your kids to new partners with respect for the agreement you’ve developed with your co-parent and an age-appropriate conversation with your child. “I think it's important to loop your child into this conversation,” she says. “Nothing's worse than somebody dragging their kid along, and not only do they not like the new partner, but they never wanted to show up in the first place.”

Please look for red flags if new partners won’t respect your children and leave situations accordingly. “I just encourage parents to think about what they're modeling with their romantic relationships and connections and who they're fostering into this child's village,” she says.

Build a relationship that works for you.

Ghoston Paul notes that the images we see of relationships are one-dimensional. “A lot of mainstream advice is about gender binary relationships, cisgender, heterosexual relationships, and there are folks who do not fit any of those categories,” she says.

But there are many different relationship configurations—all valid when based on consent. Dating intentionally models life lessons for our kids. “By getting into romantic partnerships, we are teaching our children how to love ourselves and themselves.”