What does self-care look like? It doesn’t always look the way I’d like it to look, but I make it work. The ideal self-care day, for me, would be a day of absolute relaxation. No requests from anyone — spending the entire day at an all-inclusive resort on an island with some unadulterated fun, accompanied by a mild cigar and a smooth cocktail.

IDEAL SCENARIO: Specifically, The Royalton in Saint Lucia with its flavorful dining options and tranquil spa; an Ashton Magnum cigar with tasting notes of cream and coffee bean; and a whiskey sour made with Sir Davis Whiskey, if I had it my way.

IDEAL SCENARIO: Specifically, The Royalton in Saint Lucia with its flavorful dining options and tranquil spa; an Ashton Magnum cigar with tasting notes of cream and coffee bean; and a whiskey sour made with Sir Davis Whiskey, if I had it my way.

However, with a family comprised of two adults, two children under 3, and two English bulldogs, the work feels as if it is never done. Self-care is 5 a.m. workouts, being that there aren’t home or work demands at that ungodly hour.

However, with a family comprised of two adults, two children under 3, and two English bulldogs, the work feels as if it is never done. Self-care is 5 a.m. workouts, being that there aren’t home or work demands at that ungodly hour.

DAD HACK: I just hop on my Peloton bike or treadmill to get the day started by moving my body.

DAD HACK: I just hop on my Peloton bike or treadmill to get the day started by moving my body.

Self-care is starting therapy prior to the birth of your first child and increasing the appointment frequency upon expectation of your second child — knowing how tough the adjustment was the first time — and making sure you stay ahead of it.

Self-care is starting therapy prior to the birth of your first child and increasing the appointment frequency upon expectation of your second child — knowing how tough the adjustment was the first time — and making sure you stay ahead of it.

DAD HACK: Rula was extremely useful in the process of finding my therapist, and Rula partners with many of the major insurance companies — mine being one — which was a plus for me!

DAD HACK: Rula was extremely useful in the process of finding my therapist, and Rula partners with many of the major insurance companies — mine being one — which was a plus for me!

Self-care is realizing that the brain has an interesting way of curating stories, but it is our responsibility to discern whether to subscribe to the narrative or not. Life is going to look different than your “normal” once you become a father. The expectations you set for yourself professionally and personally need to be rooted in reality and attuned to be in alignment with your new “normal.” Bidding farewell to your old routines and accepting that life doesn’t look like what it did in the past — and that’s fine. Essentially, being malleable and embracing the lifestyle changes associated with fatherhood. Finding quiet moments is a delight when the opportunity presents itself, even if it’s you sitting on the toilet a little longer than you need to.

Self-care is realizing that the brain has an interesting way of curating stories, but it is our responsibility to discern whether to subscribe to the narrative or not. Life is going to look different than your “normal” once you become a father. The expectations you set for yourself professionally and personally need to be rooted in reality and attuned to be in alignment with your new “normal.” Bidding farewell to your old routines and accepting that life doesn’t look like what it did in the past — and that’s fine. Essentially, being malleable and embracing the lifestyle changes associated with fatherhood. Finding quiet moments is a delight when the opportunity presents itself, even if it’s you sitting on the toilet a little longer than you need to.

Self-care is finding refuge in your wife and your community — having honest, vulnerable, and transparent conversations about how you are feeling and faring with parenthood at any given moment. I find myself trying to carry the weight of the world alone, as if I must, but that’s just my brain doing that thing again. Fortunately for me, I don’t have to. With the love, understanding, and everlasting support of my wife — in addition to the accessibility and guidance of the community I have established, comprised of several other Black fathers — an outlet is almost always accessible to me. It is important to surround yourself with people that can relate to where you are and that are equipped with the tools to support you. Sometimes advice is sought, other times it’s just for someone to hear you — and most of the time, it’s a cigar at the local smoke lounge or drinks and great eats at a restaurant, where we do not bring the kids.

Self-care is finding refuge in your wife and your community — having honest, vulnerable, and transparent conversations about how you are feeling and faring with parenthood at any given moment. I find myself trying to carry the weight of the world alone, as if I must, but that’s just my brain doing that thing again. Fortunately for me, I don’t have to. With the love, understanding, and everlasting support of my wife — in addition to the accessibility and guidance of the community I have established, comprised of several other Black fathers — an outlet is almost always accessible to me. It is important to surround yourself with people that can relate to where you are and that are equipped with the tools to support you. Sometimes advice is sought, other times it’s just for someone to hear you — and most of the time, it’s a cigar at the local smoke lounge or drinks and great eats at a restaurant, where we do not bring the kids.

Self-care may look different amongst fathers, but it is imperative to ensure that you are at your best so that your little person or little people engage with the finest version of you. Recharging is necessary for us too — because, like our phones, operating on power save mode will keep the lights on but reduce performance and limit our most favorable features.

Self-care may look different amongst fathers, but it is imperative to ensure that you are at your best so that your little person or little people engage with the finest version of you. Recharging is necessary for us too — because, like our phones, operating on power save mode will keep the lights on but reduce performance and limit our most favorable features.

I never told the full truth when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. The only thing I really wanted to be was grown. I knew better than to say that though. My entire childhood had warned me against it. When I eavesdropped on my mom’s chats, I was told: “Stay out of grown folks’ conversation.” If I popped too much when I danced, I was being fast. Even something as small as the wrong nail polish color could come with a reprimand: “Stop trying to be grown.” 

Womanhood is not a battle easily won. I’ve achieved the archaic, patriarchal markers of getting married and having children and I still can’t pinpoint when I started feeling like a woman. 

Womanhood is not a battle easily won. I’ve achieved the archaic, patriarchal markers of getting married and having children and I still can’t pinpoint when I started feeling like a woman. 

It took me having a son to realize that while girls have to strive toward womanhood, the same is not true for boys and their manhood. 

It took me having a son to realize that while girls have to strive toward womanhood, the same is not true for boys and their manhood. 

At three-years-old, my son already calls himself a man.

At three-years-old, my son already calls himself a man.

I can see how he came to this conclusion. From infancy, he’s been his grandfather’s “little man,” his father’s “bro.” It’s endearing but I wonder if this default manhood leaves boys struggling to define what manhood truly is by the time they’re ready for the title. 

I can see how he came to this conclusion. From infancy, he’s been his grandfather’s “little man,” his father’s “bro.” It’s endearing but I wonder if this default manhood leaves boys struggling to define what manhood truly is by the time they’re ready for the title. 

We know all about the adultification that happens to Black children in the school system, by the criminal justice system and society at large. But there are ways our own intra-communal behaviors contribute to this phenomenon. Licensed marriage and family therapist Lamonte Coke explained why members of the Black community might use this language. 

We know all about the adultification that happens to Black children in the school system, by the criminal justice system and society at large. But there are ways our own intra-communal behaviors contribute to this phenomenon. Licensed marriage and family therapist Lamonte Coke explained why members of the Black community might use this language. 

“You want to say, ‘What’s up, lil man?’ because you want them to be tough, to be confident, to be able,” Coke explained. “You don’t necessarily say, “What’s up little softie?” But that’s what they are. What’s up, scary? What’s up, nervous? That’s the reality of a baby.”

“You want to say, ‘What’s up, lil man?’ because you want them to be tough, to be confident, to be able,” Coke explained. “You don’t necessarily say, “What’s up little softie?” But that’s what they are. What’s up, scary? What’s up, nervous? That’s the reality of a baby.”

Instead of placing these monikers on the children, it’s more realistic to make a distinction, allowing the boy to remain a child and the man to model healthy, adult-like behaviors. 

Instead of placing these monikers on the children, it’s more realistic to make a distinction, allowing the boy to remain a child and the man to model healthy, adult-like behaviors. 

“Call them my baby boy,” Coke says. 

“Call them my baby boy,” Coke says. 

Putting the label of man on a boy doesn’t allow the child to lean into the inherent softness and vulnerability of this stage. 

Putting the label of man on a boy doesn’t allow the child to lean into the inherent softness and vulnerability of this stage. 

“That’s why it’s hard for little boys to cry and be sensitive and emotional,” Coke said. “We don’t have a lot of Black men that nurture that.”

“That’s why it’s hard for little boys to cry and be sensitive and emotional,” Coke said. “We don’t have a lot of Black men that nurture that.”

I’d argue that as a society, we’re all a little unclear about what manhood is in the first place. This confusion has led to the all too frequent discussions about the “high value man.” It’s responsible for the ways in which men are still struggling to adjust to women– and particularly Black women– in positions of power. It shows up in the repetitive conversations we have around gender roles. Calling boys men only adds to the confusion.

I’d argue that as a society, we’re all a little unclear about what manhood is in the first place. This confusion has led to the all too frequent discussions about the “high value man.” It’s responsible for the ways in which men are still struggling to adjust to women– and particularly Black women– in positions of power. It shows up in the repetitive conversations we have around gender roles. Calling boys men only adds to the confusion.

“If you’re called a man, you’re not even given a chance to develop as a boy,” Coke said. 

“If you’re called a man, you’re not even given a chance to develop as a boy,” Coke said. 

Furthermore, the premature label isn’t rooted in anything real. 

Furthermore, the premature label isn’t rooted in anything real. 

For so many, manhood is based on false conceptions like money and sexual prowess. Boys who’ve been labeled men are susceptible to these traps. Boys who define masculinity through wealth may do dangerous things to acquire it. Even when money is earned righteously, problems arise if they are ever without it. 

For so many, manhood is based on false conceptions like money and sexual prowess. Boys who’ve been labeled men are susceptible to these traps. Boys who define masculinity through wealth may do dangerous things to acquire it. Even when money is earned righteously, problems arise if they are ever without it. 

“What happens when you don’t have money? Then what are you now?” Coke asks. “You didn’t understand what a man truly is. The foundational components of a man are not what his bank account looks like. That’s not what creates a man.”

“What happens when you don’t have money? Then what are you now?” Coke asks. “You didn’t understand what a man truly is. The foundational components of a man are not what his bank account looks like. That’s not what creates a man.”

The boys who believe sex makes them men are easy targets for sexual abuse at the hands of older individuals. Instead of recognizing this dynamic as abusive, a child with a warped sense of manhood can believe romance is characterized by manipulation and brokenness. 

The boys who believe sex makes them men are easy targets for sexual abuse at the hands of older individuals. Instead of recognizing this dynamic as abusive, a child with a warped sense of manhood can believe romance is characterized by manipulation and brokenness. 

In a society that struggles to define manhood outside of external influences and toxicity, we should allow Black boys the chance to enjoy childhood. If we assign labels too quickly it adds unnecessary pressure to be something that may not be who our children really are. The entire community suffers as a result. 

In a society that struggles to define manhood outside of external influences and toxicity, we should allow Black boys the chance to enjoy childhood. If we assign labels too quickly it adds unnecessary pressure to be something that may not be who our children really are. The entire community suffers as a result. 

Usually, boyhood idioms are used to allow boy children and even grown men to evade accountability and fairness. But when it comes to the way we label the Black boys in our families and communities, I’m going to evoke one we might want to reframe: Let the boys be boys.

Usually, boyhood idioms are used to allow boy children and even grown men to evade accountability and fairness. But when it comes to the way we label the Black boys in our families and communities, I’m going to evoke one we might want to reframe: Let the boys be boys.