Mama’s Playbook: Red Flags I’ll Tell My Daughter to Watch Out for When Dating

The women in my family did a decent job of preparing me for the shenanigans I might encounter dating boys and eventually men. There were the extremes from my grandmother’s generation — leave them alone, all men are liars. My mom balanced it out a bit better. While she was always supportive about my little crushes, over time she was also the one to reveal the potential problems that could arise with matters of the heart: mainly verbal, physical abuse, and cheating. But my own experiences showed me that there are a lot of issues outside of those glaring ones. I have a daughter of my own now. And even though she’s just a toddler, I’m already thinking about how I want to elevate that teaching to reflect some of the things me, my friends, and society have shown me about the pitfalls of dating.

Negging
There’s a difference between playful joking and taking every opportunity to belittle someone. And if you ask me, that comes when two people have already established a level of trust and rapport with one another. In the beginning, a potential love interest should be doing their best to show you that they see your value. Anyone who leads with little insults or constant critique is trying to chip away at your self-esteem. Flag on the play.

Not Clear
When you find yourself with more questions than answers, there’s truly only one conclusion: the relationship is not going to work long-term. For teenagers and young adults, that’s not necessarily a problem. Dating is about learning yourself and what you’ll tolerate. But if you get to the point where you know you want more of a serious commitment or even some level of stability in your relationship, ambiguity has got to go.

Wayward
If my daughter is anything like her father, myself, and so many of her family members, she’ll be an ambitious girlie. I want to warn her against partnering with people who may not want as much for themselves. I’m not talking about having money or other material possessions. I mean people who don’t have dreams or goals for themselves or lack a sense of direction in terms of executing those dreams. Not only will this present a problem in their individual lives, it can be extremely problematic in the relationship itself. They won’t understand her goals, and their wayward nature could be a hurdle for her achieving them.

Has Respect for Women
A lot of women find value in being an exception to someone else’s rule. They notice how their partner treated their exes and assume they will somehow be different. Nah. You want to be with someone who has a track record of being a kind and decent person, even if the relationship didn’t work out. Furthermore, whether my daughter dates a man, woman, or nonbinary individual, I want her to see that the person respects women outside of what they can offer in romantic relationships. A person who doesn’t have a baseline respect for all women will eventually turn that vitriol on you.

Is Competing With You
Brené Brown warned her children about “candle blower outers.” I want to share this concept with my kids. Whether it’s family, friends, or romantic partners, avoid anyone who seeks to dim your light. If you leave an interaction with someone and feel inferior or insecure, this is not someone you need in your life—especially as a romantic partner. Relationships where one or both parties are competing can turn ugly really quickly.

Nonchalant
We don’t want anything in extremes. While you don’t need someone who is so obsessed with you they don’t want you to have space or me-time, you also don’t need someone too cool for school. A person who acts like they can take or leave you is either playing a sick game or isn’t acting at all. Either way, you want someone to show their interest—or make room for someone who will.