Do I Have to Pick a Side?: Hard Conversations About Identity in Transitional Years

Written By: Ambreia Meadows - Fernandez

Establishing an identity during adolescence and other transitional years can feel overwhelming. The truth is we’re all constantly adapting, integrating, and becoming who we are. For someone from a multicultural heritage, there are even more nuances to figuring out who you are. It’s normal for your children to ask, “Do I have to pick a side?” and try to piece together their identity, especially if they look more like one side of their heritage. It’s important to remind them that the answer is no—picking one side denies who they are.

Talk to Them

It may seem obvious, but the most important thing you can do for your children at this stage is to talk to them. Have conversations about culture and identity. Ask them how they describe their identity and how it compares to how others describe it. Understanding their internal and external worlds will help you be aware of what they are navigating in their daily lives.

Build a Diverse Community

Work to raise your children in a diverse environment. This requires effort, but it’s worth it. A diverse community serves multiple purposes. First, it increases the likelihood that they will have access to people who share elements of their cultural background. The real power, however, lies in showing them that there are countless combinations and types of people in the world. When your children are aware of this diversity, they are less likely to see themselves as different and more likely to see themselves as unique, just like everyone else. Building a diverse community can also help them develop friendships with others navigating similar concerns.

Walk the Walk

All parents want their children to love every part of who they are. However, we often leave our children in environments where they navigate their differences on their own. By actively helping them familiarize themselves with the different parts of who they are, we show that we care and that they’re not alone. Regularly taking your children to multicultural events, modeling and embracing the world’s differences, and speaking openly about the beauty in various cultures will support them as they navigate feelings of difference.

Don’t Be Afraid to Seek Professional Help

As parents, we do our best to make sure our children feel valued and connected. Occasionally, it’s worth connecting them with a mental health professional who can support them in developing their sense of identity. Remember, seeking a mental health provider for your child doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re providing them with tools early in life to help them adapt and self-define as needed.

Today, many therapists specialize in multiculturalism. Starting with resources like Therapy for Black Girls, Therapy for Black Men, or Therapy for Black Kids might make it easier to connect with someone who can help your child embrace their Blackness and everything that comes with it.