The Invisible Job Description of Parenthood

It’s a summer Monday morning, exactly 3 weeks from my due date with our second son, 4th kid in the pack overall. 5 weeks away from my soon-to-be 6-year-old’s birthday. A bit too early for invites, but a bit too late to forget to send them as well. Father’s Day falls somewhere in between those two milestones, and my sister-in-law is getting married this weekend. Plus, everyone in my household is a part of the wedding party, so we have to do the whole hair, nails, and fits protocol for all the kids, my husband, and myself. We will have a house full of guests planning to come in and out, so a Costco run in the next 72 hours will be crucial. Thankfully, we happen to be neighbors with Costco, so that shouldn’t be too complicated. Did I mention it’s summertime, so my teenager and ever-inquisitive 5-year-old are home with me all day — because who, in this economy, is paying for $500-a-week summer day camps? Not us.

Welcome to the inner voice of a work-from-home wife and mom of 3, soon to be 4.

Oh wait, I forgot the question of the day. What’s for dinner?!

Sometimes it feels like the hardest part of parenting isn’t the doing of all the things, but the remembering of all the things.

What Is the Mental Load?

Sitting on a plush couch across the room from my therapist back in 2021, she asked me if I had heard of the phrase “the mental load of parenting.” I hadn’t, but I quickly realized it was exactly what I was dealing with. I had just taken a breath from giving my therapist a mental dump of all the logistical details I was carrying in my head about my daughter’s schedule and the co-parenting dynamic between her father and me.

She pulled out some stats about the mental load that made me feel so seen and understood in ways I hadn’t felt in a long time. According to the 2024 U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on parental mental health, 33% of parents report high stress levels, compared to just 20% of other adults, and nearly 41% of parents report being too stressed to function on most days.

In two-parent households, the reality is that the mental load is often invisible and disproportionately carried by mothers. I can imagine single parents — mothers or fathers — each carrying the mental load and feeling that same burden.

Recent research from Cornell University defines the mental load as the “cognitive and emotional burden associated with organizing household and childcare tasks.” Within two-parent households, women are significantly more likely to carry the organizational responsibility for household management, and men often underestimate the amount of mental labor women are carrying.

Broken down plainly, the mental load is the thoughts behind the tasks. On any given day, I could have as many mental checklists as the number of children I have in my home that day.

Remembering the shoe sizes and then the next size up for each kid, just in case they decide to grow out of the summer sandals I just bought before summer even gets started — that’s a mental load, especially as a mom of 3, soon-to-be 4. Invisible labor still drains energy.

What Actually Helps?

So what do we do about it? I’m all about solutions. We can identify the problem areas and challenges all day long, but what never changes, never changes. One major shift you can implement today into your family routine is to create and publish a shared calendar.

It’s tedious to be the schedule keeper for everyone, especially if you, your partner, and your kids all have different schedules of your own. Make the invisible load visible by adding it to a shared calendar and making that calendar accessible and visible to as many of your immediate family members as possible.

Here are the most widely used options for family calendar sharing:

1. Google Calendar — Best overall for most families

• Free
• Works on iPhone, Android, and desktop
• Create a shared family calendar
• Color-code each family member
• Syncs with school, sports, work, and doctor appointments

Many families already use Gmail, making this the easiest option to adopt.

2. Cozi — Best app designed specifically for families

• Shared calendar
• Shopping lists
• Meal planning
• To-do lists
• Weekly agenda emails

Cozi has been a popular family organization app for more than a decade and remains one of the most recognized family calendar tools.

3. TimeTree — Best for simple schedule sharing

• Designed around shared calendars
• Family-friendly interface
• Comments and communication within events
• Popular among couples and families

Many users like it because it feels more collaborative than traditional calendars.

4. Apple Calendar — Best for all-Apple households

• Built into iPhones, iPads, and Macs
• Family Sharing integration
• No extra app required
• Great if everyone in the household already uses Apple devices

5. Skylight Calendar — Best for busy families who need a visual command center

• Large touchscreen display for the kitchen
• Syncs with Google and Outlook calendars
• Meal planning
• Chore tracking
• Color-coded schedules

This one is more of a family management hub than just a calendar.

When everyone can see the soccer practice, doctor’s appointment, school spirit day, and grocery pickup on the same calendar, the responsibility for managing family life becomes a little easier to share. Partnership begins with visibility.

Parents were never meant to carry modern parenting alone. The mental load conversation isn’t about who loves their family more — it’s about creating healthier, more sustainable ways to care for ourselves while caring for others.

If this resonated with you, I’d love to encourage you a step further. Think about the questions below and share them with your partner to get their thoughts and participation around the mental load.

Reflection Questions

• What invisible responsibilities do you carry daily?
• When was the last time someone asked how you were doing mentally?
• What would feel lighter if shared?